i just want to say, when i first wrote this..or decided to write about this, i didn't think anybody would really care to comment. i am feel so much better having gotten it out. it really is helping so much. thank you open eyes and sidestepper. i really feel so much support here, i feel like all of you are on my side and it just feels so good right now. half the time i don't trust my feelings because i know i still have so much to work on but here these last few days i feel a sense of validation, that maybe it's not me and it just feels good.
honestly, i really like this group. it took me a long time to feel ok with it. before i would've never joined a group like this...i've been on PC for a long time and couldn't even share here. i've come such a long way. i'm doing a lot now that i would've never done before and for once in my life i'm actively trying to work on myself. i think this is why it's so hard right now, cause i'm alive finally. i'm actually feeling..it's not always pleasant but i'm not numb anymore. i'm beginning to find my voice. i had lost it for such a long time. thank you all so much. you are all wonderful and magnificent. i know we will make it out ok, almost like we're in a war fighting, no man left behind.
you all inspire me, you lift me. i care about all of you.
i don't think i will leave this group just yet. i think i will stick it out a while longer. i would like to set an example for them, show them life doesn't have to be all about the gloom. i'm a lot younger than most of them, so they're used to living this way. i highly doubt any of them really are suicidal, i think it's their way of indirectly asking to be cared for. i think that's why i'm bothered cause i sense this. i think this is important for me, to learn to separate them from my self. learn NOT to internalize this. i will keep you guys posted. i am determined to beat this, for once i think i deserve to have support and this issue is just a way of me telling myself i don't deserve it, there's so much guilt in me surrounding my brother's death that i think it presents itself in different ways.
the suicide group...just between us..the mom's deny..but i think it goes deeper. i don't talk about our abuse history because i don't want to unravel their world. that's why my sis and i look at each other. i can't help but wonder what was so horrible these young men had to take their lives. a fight with the girlfriend doesn't seem to fit...i think it goes way deeper. denial is horrible. thankfully i'm slowly coming out of it.
once again i thank you all. you are warriors and i'm so proud to be a part of this community.