*Trigger for mention of sui thoughts*

Okay this weekend I got upset that T didn't respond to my reaching out to him when I was having sui thoughts. I honestly couldn't understand why he wouldn't when he made me promise to contact him if I ever did, when we first started seeing each other.

So Monday we had our session...again I tried to address the sui thoughts. He AGAIN didn't bring much attention to it. He just matched my negative reasoning with positives and said I know how to cope better than that. I left a bit frustrated with him.

That night I wrote this email (but I didn't have the gutts to send it until this morning)...

"What would you say if I told you I have suicidal thoughts on a continual basis, but with NO actual intent? (thoughts like walking into traffic or off a train platform) I have no intent on doing ANY of this it's just kind of impulsive thoughts that enter my head, when I'm overwhelmed with emotions and don't know how else to cope. It's kind of like a fail safe coping mechanism for me. How do I change this way of thinking? I've been super afraid to bring this up because I don't want you to bring up hospital stuff like you did that one time. So I've just been dancing around the subject, and bringing it up in pieces during sessions. BUT...I know it needs to directly be addressed. I can't keep using suicidal thoughts to cope with my intense emotions, but I will if we don't talk about it. Okay, now...would your thoughts change if I told you I've been doing this since I was 15 years old? I almost don't think it's possible to think or cope differently. It's almost all I know."

I was absolutly TERRIFIED to send it to him. Even though I knew he needed to know everything to help me. And guess what...it worked. My honesty got through to him. He got right back to me, and made me re-promise I would not act on any of this. But also promised we would not have to talk about the hospital as long as I had no intent. He also said we would need to discuss this tomorrow in session, which is what I wanted all along.

I guess what I learned from all of this was it was my fault I wasnt getting what I needed from T because I wasn't being open and honest with T with what was going on.

I hope all goes well tomorrow.