i apologize...this is REALLY long and i dont expect anybody to read all of it but i have a million things flying around in my head right now and i hate journaling.....its like talking to myself but on paper and i already know whats in my head and i at least know this way there are people "on the other side"...

i had a crappy session today. unproductive. casual. i cant afford to have those right now....literally and figuratively. if i dont come prepared with all my thoughts and feelings written out in letter form i get nowhere. but its takes so MUCH time and energy....hours the day before to put it all together. and sometimes i just have weeks/days where i CANT put it together. there's too much flying around in my head to coherently put my it into sentence form.

I hate sessions where I feel nothing is actually done beyond chit chat and superficial discussion. I also find journalling is time and energy consuming, but the way I try get myself to do it, is I remind myself how crappy it feels after having a unproductive session and that usually helps motivate me.

i feel like after 20 some years of for whatever reason stuffing,blocking, ignoring, repressing feelings and emotions that the flood gates have opened and im going to drown. i started therapy 1.5yrs ago for problems with husband and concerns of possible CSA (problems were regarding sex) and now im waist deep in what feels like insanity. i cant turn back and be "old me"....unaware/workaholic/emotionally & intimately unavailable. sometimes i wish i never would've "stirred the pot". but it wasnt my choice....i think hubby would've left a long time ago had i not. Now im stuck. Trapped. And i dont know how to contain any of it anymore. And I cant shut it off anymore. I hate feelings and emotions. Im terrified of them. I dont understand them. I dont know how to handle or express them. Im embarassed by them...mine and other peoples. i hate this. i feel crazy. i just want to be able to talk like a normal person about my feelings and what im thinking whether its good or bad and not be so uncomfortable. i want to be able to understand my feelings and not question them or wonder if they are "ok". why is that so hard for me? i just want to feel like one person...not a little kid and then an adult and then calm and collected but falling apart and then a completely separate emotional person. is that normal? does everybody feel like that at times?

I burried everything for a long time to and am just processing stuff now. Emotions and feelings make me uncomfortable too other than anger which I seem to have lots of. Don't have any great advice here other than I have been assured that ignoring stuff for a longer period of time only makes it worse and that much harder down the road. I hold out hope that somehow with time and T stuff will start to come together. Know you are not alone.

i just want some peace and contentment. with myself, how i feel, what i think, what im doing, where im going. i dont want to have so much fear or feel so lost and helpless. i dont want to shut down and disassociate anymore. i want to be able to have a normal sex life....whatever that is.

im trying to refrain from thinking "why"...why am i like this? what caused this? why why why why why. i have to know why! i feel like ive been asking "why" for a year. maybe i should worry more about how to fix it?

and i know im playing a push/pull game with T and she has no idea. she reminds me so much of what i wish my mom was like.....strong, steady, secure, stable, smart, self-assured,soothing, etc etc. whether she really is outside of her job i have no idea but i dont even care. thats how she is when im with her. i dont want to feel that way about her. i want to be able to leave and never think about her ever again. i dont want to need that kind of "mother figure" in my life and i dont know how to turn that off.

i dont know if i should stop. if i should keep going. i never know what to do or what is right.

I would say stick with it as there does seem to be light at the end of the tunnel. And our current ways of stuffing and ignoring obviously didn't work out so well or we wouldnt be in our current predicament.

*sigh*

i needed to get all that out. every time i brain puke it feels like i wrote pages and pages and its really only paragraphs. if anyone has actually read this far, thank you.