I know for myself (diagnosed bp for 10 years), and probably other people, it's a work in progress getting adjusted to the medication. But it's important if you are truly bipolar and especially with your history of suicidal behavior to stay in contact with your doctor and go with his prescribed advice. If you feel like the medications alter your behavior too much, maybe your doctor can make changes to the meds because there are usually several options.

In my case, when I took myself off my medications, I had psychotic episodes where I thought people were stealing and publishing my music through a famous band, in one instance, and in another instance began believing I had a brain implant monitored by the CIA and/or the military in addition to some bizarre behavior and violent mood swings.

When I was first diagnosed, it took me about a year to settle in to Lithium as the most effective treatment at the time (until I had too severe digestive problems from it). I started with Depakote and Zyprexa and every time I took Zyprexa I was very depressed, which I still struggle with but not to the extent of while I was on that medication. Eventually I found psychiatrists who would take me off Zyprexa and now I take Risperdal and it's working well.

I hope to offer you some support in having been on and off medications and I think it's best to stay with medication until you find what works and don't do anything drastic like take yourself off because relapsing into symptoms can be worse than before.