Hi Itchy..

Gosh - your dilemma here really *got* to me. Here's what I'd like to contribute..

I understand about wanting to feel an immediate "click," and it sounds like there are a number of details that have created some obstacles. You've got some legitimate concerns. That said - I could have easily ditched the therapist I've had for the last four years for the same reasons you are having second thoughts about yours. If I hadn't hung in there though, I would have missed out on *the* therapeutic relationship of all time - the one that brought me back from the walking dead.

I want to address each of your concerns, and offer other possibilities:

I was in a very toxic *therapeutic* relationship that turned me inside-out and retraumatized me to the point that I felt I wouldn't survive. And believe it or not, I feared he would dump me.. so I got a referral from a friend who is a psychiatrist. I didn't tell him about what was going on in therapy, I just wanted a phone number in my pocket in case my toxic therapist dumped me. What I didn't anticipate, is that my friend called me the next week to check up on me.. so I felt obligated to set up an apt with the therapist he referred me to. I thought "well, I guess at least I should meet the therapist I'll fall on if I get dumped by the one I'm trying to work things out with." My point is, that I didn't even really want to be there. So I went to that first apt, and just went through all the basic stuff. I didn't feel connected. There was no "click." I kept going back because I felt obligated, and I didn't know how to explain that I already had a therapist and things were screwed up. It took time - it actually took going through problems together - that forged the bond I needed. My point is that not clicking initially does not mean the relationship will end up hollow.

Another thing is there was a lot of contrast between them. Both had their PhD's in clinical psychology, but my toxic therapist had all the trappings of "success." Fancy office, everything extremely professional, he is early 40's, extremely handsome, and dressed to project a very competent image. But he failed me therapeutically. The therapist who brought me back to life is older, kind of over weight, and dressed nice, but not expensively at all. Sometimes wore overly casual clothes. Other aspects of her set-up were also kind of unconventional.

My toxic therapist took fastidious notes. I didn't know any other way to do it.. so I never questioned it. But the therapist who offered me a healing relationship never took a single note. I later found out that after each session she wrote a brief summary of the basics. How I experienced it, though, was that every second of every session, she was attuned to me. She looked into my eyes.. she picked up on a lot of nuances that my previous therapist missed. She could tell there were tears before they fell - and she always gave me room to talk about what was behind it. If she'd had her head down paying attention to her scribbles, a lot of magic would not have happened.

Oh.. and also.. it wasn't the second week, but rather the 3rd week that she "forgot" an appointment with me. Same thing - didn't make it to the calendar. When I got there - and after 15 min she hadn't shown up - I thought maybe I'd messed up. My previous therapist blamed me for everything, so I was absolutely terrified as I called her to find out. When she answered, I told her I probably was mistaken, but I thought we were supposed to meet. She was mortified - she remembered we were scheduled - and she took full responsibility and said she would not charge for our next session. It was a powerful experience, because my other therapist never took responsibility for anything. Down the road during a session of reflection, we had a good laugh about it. She described her mortification, because forgetting an appointment was supposed to be about the Worst thing a therapist could do. I told her that in my case, it was therapeutic because of how she handled it.

Last thing I want to tell you is that I understand why you feel so strongly about needing a plan. But when she said "Call me," what you might be missing is that she is offering herself to you in a big way. She may not yet know enough about your situation to understand that you need a more specific plan. So your job is to tell her.. describe for her how things go for you in psychosis.. and why you need a very specific plan that is spelled out ahead of time. If you have ideas about what might work, make those suggestions! The important thing is to work it out together.

I think you should give it some more time. And tell her how you interpreted her "Call me" answer. Give her a chance to clarify her intent. It's always possible that she just isn't the right therapist for you.. but I would encourage you to not make that decision too soon, because she might be just who you need.

Take care.. and I look forward to seeing how it develops if you decide to hang in there with her!

Crescent Moon