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I am not sure if I am capable of working at moment. One thing is my T sessions are coming to an end and well CBT didn’t work for me and she sort of said I should have said few things before so we could have done things differently. I was only doing what she said and well I did say that wouldn’t help but she thought I was trying to avoid things but I was trying to point out it wouldn’t personally help me. ARR if I knew what would work for me I wouldn’t have needed to see her, so how I was I to know it would just make me worse and feed back into what I went to see her for in first place. Yet at same time she said I wasn’t ready for work just yet. Even though I said I was, but that was lie to tell truth. I guess I need to own up and admit I need more help but don’t know what’s going to happen now. I have to wait till next week to say if I am ready or not ready. I am not ready and that’s the truth. I can’t even bring myself to volunteer at moment I keep leaving it off and don’t feel able to contribute to that. But might try phoning volunteer place in morning. Although thinking of that makes my heart want to jump out. So I really am not ready just yet. ARR I hate being scared and worrying I might upset/annoy people or make things go wrong. These last thoughts have some deep links to them which make them stronger then thoughts normally would be. If you can understand what I meant by that. Personally I am one of those people that thinks everyone/ thing is better off if I just didn't leave the house. Like if only I could just disappear. But when I get back to going back out in my real world it's like I bring the misery back as well and everyone who knows me suffers becuase of me.
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