I feel you Prue
Even if you give in, even if you are an addict, you are NOT ALONE in that and it is NO REASON to be ashamed or hate yourself.
With all the hard stuff you have been through, and are still going through, you have to cut yourself some slack....SO MANY people in this world use drugs to live life....but what they don't tell you when you start; is that the "drug" can and will BECOME your entire life,
And while it may appear to help right now, that may not be worth the deeper depths it will throw you into in the future.
Please take it easy girl, and don't judge yourself too harshly...most of us are addicts in one way or another!