prue there's a saying in AA....living life on life's terms. many of us face adversity/obstacles before we get clean and sober. we run away from life. living on life's terms seems overwhelming. we can't envision getting past those thoughts. but the illusions we seek are not the answer cause in the reality we are not "living". it is a choice tho. for me i've found life much more rewarding and miraculous by working towards healing and giving up the drink.
i know you well enough that you do face a lot more than others. helen keller had physical obstacles more than most for example but she strived to make her life meaningful anyway. and succeeded. nevermind what others say or do re yourself. the important thing is your overcoming your own mindset. i have never faced what you have but understand how hard it must be. but beauty is in the eye of the beholder. look towards your beautiful self, your inner being rather than the outside "shell". you are far more beautiful than you believe.
can you see a T to help you with your own feelings of lacking self-worth rather than stepping away from real life? it may help you.