Thanks all for you generous offering of support. I agree with all of your comments. I do see your collective wisdom at work here.

elliemay - you're so right that what mood one is in will definitely color how we perceive or receive information. I know my feelings are overblown. I need to get a handle on them. Although when I've used that expression before my T advises me to 'not' get a handle on them, that that conveys an outside attempt at control. She advises me to sit with the emotions and let them be heard and not try to tamp them down. Hear what they have to say. I guess I must try that now.

farmergirl - of course you're absolutely right. But I suspect that at the moment my child mind is very rebellious and will not listen to the adult mind. Or is trying to listen but cannot hear well.

Dreamy - sorry you're going through something with your T now also. I agree that I should go back and explore these emotions with T. My instinct though is to cut and run. I left her a voicemail last night telling her my feelings. I hated confessing them because I don't want to make myself more vulnerable but I do try my hardest to be honest with her. We have an agreement that she doesn't return my calls unless I specifically request it. What would probably help me now is if she returned my call even though I didn't make a request. I've probably only requested a call back 3 times in these past 16 months so it's not often.

Spiritrunner - you're right. If I don't work this out with T our relationship will have made a turn for the worse. The problem I see is that I can't imagine what it will take for me to not feel rejected and abandoned like I do now.

Wikkid - I've had ruptures with my T before and we've been able to repair them. Once in the past I labeled the hurt I felt as "2 x 4 to the exposed heart". This one I'm calling "a sword through the heart" It's amazing to me that something so slight and insignificant is having such a whammo affect on me.

Hankster - yeah, that ol' mother replay. My mother was stern and controlling and distant. Not a place to find a secure loving attachment, that's for sure. I understand a lot about attachment theory and its place in therapy. Having a safe place to share freely my emotions has been such a gift for me. I watch my daughter with her young sons and they, for sure, have secure attachment with them. She is always soothing even when she needs to deny them their wishes. She is so attuned and loving. I never had that as a child or as an adult. I've always felt that I'm kept around as long as I'm useful but heaven forbid I show my true feelings or emotions or who I really am - then off to the curb you go.

Perna - of course I agree with you. Sometimes I wonder how T's can do their job. How can they bring such focus to each person and each session and work so hard to provide the unique and special needs that each client has. But I still don't understand how my T could have forgotten. See, I had left her a voicemail that Saturday morning 3/24 and asked her to remember my thinking so we could discuss it next session. I was driving out of town and pulled over when I remembered something from the night before.

Well, T thought I was having sui thoughts but I disagree with her. She returned my call Saturday afternoon. That is something that never happens hardly - her calling me. She was concerned enough that we talked about 1/2 hour about antidepressants and see a pdoc. Something so unusual between us along with the next few session discussing the same issue seems to warrant a memory of it, doesn't it?

stopdog - I am definitely not at that place yet. Hopefully someday.