J...I can identify with you...I hear your silent typed voice!
I did find some of the peace you speak of....
I am not comfortable with peace...we don't understand nor feel comfortable with peace and serenity cause we are more comfortable with what we "know"-CHAOS. it's difficult to cross-over to a new way of living and thinking. I don't understand it I don't recognise it I only know and recognise stress. I do not intend to compete with the stress that the others feel in this world....
all I know is my own what stressors do you experience? and I am ashamed that I cannot justify it! it's ok to be baffled by this phenomeon. we who have been there understand. if we have lived and thought one way, even if it's self destructive, we return to our "norm" cause it's all we know. comfortable with the familarity. so it's learning to think differently. to live differently than we have ever done before. an analogy-a snake sheds it's old skin. it replaces it with a new one.
If only I was subjected to obvious horrifying torments then I could perhaps sit in peace.. i, and i believe you, have already had obvious horrifying torments. the peace you seek is living in sobriety. are you truly accepting the power of your disease? it's outcome. being an addict. the void we experience. is that rewarding for you?
my vision of my addiction is a really handsome guy. strong jaw. well built. slicked back black hair wearing a black silk shirt and black pants. he's jauntily sitting on the edge of a table. he has his hand outstretched and it's beckoning me. he speaks in a soft male voice. he states, "come with me. i will give you everything you wish for. everything. come with me. i promise you will not be disappointed." all his promises are LIES. he took me into the depths of hell. i felt i had no way out.
but instead I sit ashamed and horrified at my own inadequacies