Spider, I could say the same thing, and I think that most, if not all of us feel this lonliness in our experience with PTSD. And even when I was first diagnosed, I didn't realize the way this disorder was going to progress to where I have struggled so much this past year. I could never have imagined what I experience now, and there is a knowing that other people are going to not get it at all. And I have made many efforts to try to discribe how crippling it is and my family just doesn't get it. My husband has sat with my therapist, but I don't think he realizes that this is not just a quick fix get over it deal I am working through. This can be so crippling and exhausting and consuming and it has to be addressed and there is NO over night cure, it is not a walk in the park, it a definite journey and the length of this journey depends on the quality of therapy and amount of additional outside/surrounding stress or lack of support/understanding of others.

Yes, it is nice to be able to talk with someone else that knows that this is no picnic and it is a real challenge, there is a lot to it. People in general know so little about it, unless you read about it, it rarely is discussed in depth in society.

Here is an example. I tend to visit the abuse forum as well and offer my support there too. But this morning there was a question that I tried to answer, but it triggered me. And now, I am experiencing body memories and extreme anxiety and it is exhausting me. I want to go up to my room, get in bed, get warm and try to calm myself and self sooth. I am trying to overcome it, but it is a challenge TO overcome these intrusive triggers like I am having now. I have things I have to get done today, but all I want to do right now is go up to my bed and get warm and try to calm down until I can get it to pass somehow.

If my husband came in the door? I want to hide it because I HONESTLY DONT THINK HE WILL TRUELY UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HAPPENING INSIDE ME. But the members in the forum know don't you? And I feel like I want cry like a baby too. And the sad part is that that troubled child is still there inside me, I don't just remember her, I can feel the depths of her. The average person doesn't understand what this is like, THIS IS VERY HARD. I have to remember from EXPERIENCE that this will pass and I will eventually calm down again, but it may take a while, I HAVE TO BE PATIENT AND KIND TO MYSELF. Yes, it is frustrating and VERY LONELY, just it was years ago. But I have to KEEP MYSELF FROM FEEDING INTO IT and WORK ON SELF SOOTHING, even though I am alone and other than others here that can relate, there is no one outside PC that I have in my life that CAN TRUELY RELATE. Now I do have a therapist that knows that I am struggling, BUT HE HAS NEVER EXPERIENCED IT FOR HIMSELF.

I wish alot that there was more exposure to what this really feels like. I imagine how I would make a movie that could show the average person what it is like to experience PTSD. That way maybe other people would have a lot more respect and understanding for those that struggle with it. And maybe people would think twice about what can happen to children who are abused, neglected etc. too.

I am tired of trying explain it and feel like others will not get it or believe how much of a struggle/challenge it really is for me. NO, I CANT "JUST" push it away or deal with it like most people manage to deal with unpleasent things.

All I know is that I have a busy weekend and I have to try to get prepared for it and get through it somehow even though right now, I am exhausted and trying to get through this trigger that is all about a little girl and feeling it in a way most people simply do not understand.

Open Eyes