I met with a new T last week after recently getting insurance back after losing it for a time (my hubby was in school & we lost his work insurance while he was in school). I had that one appt where the T told me confidently that I was having in a "temporary bipolar state" because of coming off Paxil (transitioned off starting March 20 when I got a kidney stone and have been Paxil- free since April 1) and also coming off the Percocet treatment for my kidney stone pain...Now he is on vacation for 2 weeks...so I'm waiting to talk to him about the rage. It wasn't as much of an issue (no SI) when I saw him...but is escalating quickly now.
The rage I feel, I haven't felt often in my life...but I do recognize the feeling from when I was a child and adolescent, trapped in a loveless, neglected, and verbally abusive home with my depressive single mother (or visits with my Asperger's and/or NPD father). I feel like the rage, then and now, is from feeling trapped. My kidney stone and other health issues have kept me from getting out, getting exercise, and eating right....all the things I NEED todo to stay sane without medication. I feel trapped by my own body and its weaknesses.
I am a bad wife because I can't do the simple things I need to to take care of myself, and the strain of working, cleaning, cooking, and supporting me is really taking a toll on my husband.
Bad daughter because I've distanced myself 3000 miles from my parents because I cant't handle their bs...and ai have phone phobia so I don't call often..but neither do they
Bad citizen for contributing nothing, unable to hold down a job, unable to even make art and be the Artist I tell myself I am.
Not a Bad Mother...yet...I am far too messed up at the moment to even consider having a child...though I still do consider it, and cry over the fact that I'm too broken to have a child and treat him/her right.
I feel like a failure at everything, and I know it's the depression monster telling me that, but the monster is so strong in me...it's created a self-fulfilling prophecy of actual, tangible Failure.
And I'm disgusted with all this self-pity and wallowing in despair...I'm over it
Thank you for asking tho