Quote:
Originally Posted by indigo1015
So, I have been far more physically active and nutrition-conscious from May of 2011 to now than I was at any time before, and where has it gotten me? Drumroll, please... I'm about 25 lbs. heavier. Brilliant. If there were a Hall of Shame in this category, I'd be this year's leading contender. What's even worse is that both my primary care physician and my endocrinologist tell me that working out and eating healthy foods aren't the keys to weight loss. Well then, what the heck is? Because if you think I'm going to continue my gym membership at this point, you are sadly mistaken. Here is the hard, painful truth that I have learned over the years: overall health means NOTHING. Nada. Zip. No one cares about how healthy you are in general, what they care about is whether or not you can fit into a pair of size 4 jeans. It hurts to say this, but it's true. Why do you think I'm still single? It's not for lack of trying. I go out on dates all the time, and mostly, they are good dates. Yet I never hear back from the guys I just dated. Now, I'm a lot of things, but I am not stupid, and I know exactly how they are judging me based on how I look. It doesn't matter that, overall, I'm in good health. No, they are turned off by the fact that I'm a size 14. My clothes are nice, my hair looks great, I have clear skin and a pretty smile. I could have rotten teeth, my hair could be falling out in clumps and I could have zits everywhere, but if I were also a size 0, none of that would matter. I've seen it for myself. Nothing can describe the hurt I am feeling right now. I feel trapped - I would take Hydroxycut or Hoodia if I weren't afraid they would severely mess with other things I am taking. So, to sum it all up, I am FINISHED with trying to be active and healthy, because where has it gotten me? Absolutely nowhere. I feel doomed to be fat and lonely and quietly ostracized. And if sweating my butt off in great discomfort while looking ridiculous doesn't pay off, why should I waste the time and the energy (to say nothing of the money)? Well, I won't anymore...
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It is not about us all the time.
I know loneliness hurts. I am lonely too. I weigh 200 pounds. I am never ever satisfied with how I look and even if I am sometimes, there is always some voice in me saying, "yeah, but it's wasted on you. It would look a lot better on someone better than you."
My point: A self-critical voice can be sooooo insidious. We are never satisfied with ourselves. When someone does not call us or call back, we always say it's about us! Never fails.
It may not be always about us.
And even if some guy does not want to be with us because wer'e fat or stupid or whatever, that's not always about us.
I spent many years wanting a man to love me.
No matter what I tried to do, he could not fall in love with me. "You're not the weight that I want; I want a petite woman." or "You are just not on my wavelength". I bet if I read all the books he wanted me to read or had the dream conversations with him that he wanted me have, he still would not fall in love with me! And you know what? I am not sure i even want that now! I just want to be ME.
I learned that it's his taste, not me being innately bad or ugly.
I do identify so much though with dealing with that inner critic that says "You will never be loved by anyone. Don't even try to do anything because it will not make any difference".
Now I can fight that voice by saying, "Billi! Be yourself. If no one loves you, that will only help you learn to try harder to love yourself!"
And oh, g*d. I know it hurts! I feel your pain and your frustration and your despair. We are truly powerless over how others see us. But not over how we see ourselves. Yes, often it can be a lonely business loving ourselves but we must not give up.
thanks for this,
Billi