What is ironic is that just last week I told T that I thought we might consider discussing termination and that it might be getting closer to the time I would be finished - that there was not much else to do. How can someone be so clueless like I am? Just because I have a few good days I think I've graduated.

My emotional over-reaction to this is very telling obviously. I have sent T 3 more texts since her last reply.

"It feels like abandonment and I feel like running away. I don't want to see you again. I want to cancel my regular appointment also and pretend I never met you. I can't trust you anymore. My rational brain tells me to settle down and that I'm being stupid with my over-reaction."

"It feels like I've lost my support and I'm on my own now. And I don't know if I can do it alone. So lots of fear mingled in with the hurt."

"I have a strong urge to end therapy. If I never see you again, I can put this out of my mind, right? This flee reaction is prominent in my mind now. So if I cancel next Wednesday we could say it's over, right?"

It's so embarrassing for me to be so over-the-top in my emotions. I come from a family that is very stoic and emotions (except anger - by parents, not me) were not approved of. Being strong, resilient, self sufficient and supremely productive are the values instilled in me. Displaying any weakness or need is shameful.

Like a friend pointed out to me this morning, that I can allow these feelings to be felt and that I'm able to express them is probably tremendous progress for me. I think she's right. In the past I would have stuffed them and never allowed them to see the light of day. I still feel ashamed of them though.