I've sent T a couple more texts. No reply of course. She's busy with clients and I'm throwing a temper tantrum outside her door. Can shame be any worse than that?

"I know I'm talking stupid. So much shame mixed in with my over the top emotions. I am so sorry to be dumping on you like this. I will try to refrain from now on. I will try."

And then only 20 minutes later " The voice screaming at me says, "you stupid f*ckin idiot! What were you thinking with all your disclosure? No wonder you want to be dead. You're trying to be what you're not. Give it up. You are the stupidest person I ever met, you idiot".

So now I must forget it. I must get through the next week or month or year. Now I'm hoping T does not reply. I want her out of my mind. I want life to be normal.