If your so depressed why all the icons and colour?
However your post depicts lots of pain, it was written so clearly, and in some things you wrote about we have in common and ya life sucks. Y dont you try therapy if your ready and open to talk it can really help you, though the first person you go to might be the wrong one for you.
Y dont you try and speak open and honestly w your fiance? Though thats a bit...
Gluck w coping i hope u figure it out