Today I don't have many words but I will try. I had wanted to post last night but was so filled with sadness, anger and pure rage I couldn't. Yes I actually felt the rage and had no way to communicate with it inside of me.
Yesterday I was triggered badly and left with such a loss of heart and soul I didn't know what to do.
My little one had his 1 1/2 check up yesterday..after 5 minutes of examination with the pediatrian I was told he should have early intervention for speech delay. Apparently by this age, according to doc children should be talking and know body parts. Thats nonsence!! My little one speaks a few words and is very intelligent. I tried to speak to the pediatrician about MY concerns about his highly active personality. They were ignored. I don't know if my son is behaving in a normal manner. Is it the beginning of the 2's? Why does he want to run, jump and climb but not cuddle or sit still to read a book. Is that normal? My questions and concerns were ignored and they were in fact very valid. As a parent I wanted answers...none were given.
I waited until we got into the car and started crying because I felt like such a failure. To compound things a VERY toxic family member called and I told her what the doc had said. Her response was cruel, she is cruel, she said doc was right and I need to spend more time working/teaching my son things..she said by that age I was speaking, could count to 10 and knew my ABC's, but thats because she spent the time to teach me those things. It was a jab at my parenting skills...I had to laugh and thought ohh yeah thats right my childhood was spent in foster and group homes because you were such a loving and caring parent. Thanks for the advise Mom.
My mother is a cruel and external toxin whos primary purpose is to control and manipulate me. She is very high in N traits and would easily discard me once a new person could fill her void. It's only after a failed relationship that she has re-entered my life. I see now how dangerouse she is for my well being. I see now how my past and abusive relationship can be linked to her presence back into my life. There are patters and corrolations I see and recognize now.
So what do I do? How can I change this so I can focus again on the real issues of my life? Boundaries are not respected, even the mildest ones set. I fear her wrath, I fear her manipulation, I fear her. However I do not have the strength to go no contact with her. That would unleash a furry and add MUCH unnecessary drama to my already confusing life. This is something I cannot deal with right now. I honestly can't. It would be to much to handle at the moment. I keep telling myself to hold on, I'm going to find a job soon, make new friends, I will be ok. This makes me so upset because I am entirely to old to be having such issues with a family member. A terrible and toxic one at that.
I am lost and feel so alone. I have no real friends. I have cut ties with toxic people (excluding Mom) and as a result am left alone. No one gets me, and theres no way they could. I feel as though no matter how hard i work I am not seeing any results..emotionally and finacially. I don't know what to do or how to move forward. I try...I try so hard...and feel that with every positive step forward there are 10 steps kicking me back.
I once stated that I don't hate, that was a lie. I do hate many things, people and their horrible and cruel actions. What is hate? Is it a feeling of loss and misundering? Is it anger for not being understood or hurt? I don't know.
I am beginning to see my truth and I am not liking what I am seeing. Is it just a process, part of the journey? I am not liking this. I wish I could make it stop. I wish I could close the doors of myself that I thought needed to be examined..and just move freely thoughout life. I wish I could be a sellfish and hateful person. Life must be so easy for those people...
I don't know. I am just feeling at a loss and more confused than ever.