A few of you have PMed me asking me how I was doing since I've been quiet for awhile. First, I appreciate the caring and concern.........thank you to all who did.

I have had a couple of appts with my T that I have missed for one reason or another within the last few months. The clinic's policy is that more than 2 such appts and you are discharged from the clinic, regardless of whether you are "well" or not.

I had an appt. today with mine. I drove down to Chgo for a job interview and with all the meds I am on, I was lucky I made it back without completely falling asleep at the wheel driving. I know I dozed off a couple of times. I also realized that I was just about out of gasoline in my car and couldn't get there and had no money till Friday.

I called his office 2 hours in advance and told them the truth about why I couldn't get there. I can't manufacture money or have it home grown...........:::::::::::::::::: Anyway, I paged him tonight to ask about maybe tomorrow (I had a rebate check come in the mail so I got really lucky) coming in if there were openings.

I was informed that he was tired, and that we had to "talk" about the clinic now because technically this was the "discharge" appt. My T (former, now I guess) told me that he will call me late tomorrow after his appts and we'll talk. I asked him if he can't override what the clinic says, and he told me "no".

This is the proverbial straw. For the last two weeks my life has stunk. I walked out of my job (came back and have barely managed not to do it again), started using illegal drugs to combat my stress levels, started new meds and an increase in a current med, and dealt with new found levels of poverty (which has only increased my husband's wonderful moods).

Now I will probably have no one to talk to in 3D, at least for 6 months. Guess what????? I will not be around when that sentence has been paid for. I've had enough. The first thought when he told me was, "He's finally left me like I always thought he would, like everyone that has cared has."

A sense of peace briefly settled upon me and then I started crying - still am for that matter.

I stopped at my parent's house today and couldn't go in.......and now this. There is no adult left in 3D. It really, truly is just a job to my T - stupid me was grateful for the caring.

Anyway, I wanted to say thank you to everyone, most esp. Jill, Fuzzy, Greg, Tomi, Heidu, Heather, Wendy, Trish, DE, DocJohn (for the times you read my emails and responded) - just because I have known you all the longest.

What happens after his call is up in the air. If I am here, I will be completely silent. I need to work on suppressing these feelings of abandonment, hurt, and rejection. I need to feel NOTHING so that I can function and do what I have to do.

The anguish I feel now at the thought of not seeing my T is unbelievable. Email and phone calls won't work. It just makes me understand how far he had gotten past my walls and my indifference.............how silly I have been.

Take care of yourselves. I will let all of you know what his call involves and I am going to send him a copy of this post with one paragraph dedicated directly to him, so please bear with me for just a second:

" Dr. ________, I have always been honest with you. If I am only going to be allowed the above things with you for awhile, it won't work. You have gotten past my gates and found ME........a very scared, insecure child who cares about you with all the innocence and trust of the young.

You are the one person I have always been able to count on. Don't be like the rest of them, don't prove my fears correct. Please.............."

Mary Alice

To anyone I have forgotten to express thanks to, please forgive me. My mind right now is not exactly functioning over the other turbulence.