PLEASE UNDERSTAND THIS IS NOT MEANT HOW IT SOUNDS AND IS NOT DIRECTED AT ANY ONE PERSON OR GROUP OF PEOPLE. THIS IS SIMPLY A VENT OUT OF FRUSTRATION.

That being said, I am going to be very frustrated the next time someone asks me if I really want to be with my wife. I had lots of people piling on to tell me I shouldn't have been with my girlfriend. They are correct, I am married and I was cheating. That's wrong. Now that the affair is finally all the way over (I sincerely hope) and I'm trying to rebuild the marriage I damaged, I have just as many people asking me if I really want to do that. Ok, simple fact, I have to do SOMETHING. I can't just exist and take up space and use oxygen while I wait to see what happens around me.

The way I see it, I have a few options. I can go on the rebound, look for a replacement girlfriend, and finish off the marriage. I can sit and do nothing and wait to see what life does to me. I can actively work on improving myself and better managing my illness both for my own benefit and so that I am a better companion/mate for my wife or for someone else down the road. I can work on rebuilding the marriage I damaged, slowly and on her terms, keeping in mind that we have both done wrong and we both need to change for it to work again.

I choose to work on the last two. First I want to heal myself for myself. Then I want to improve myself to be a better husband/boyfriend or whatever for my wife or someone else who may come along if the marriage still doesn't work. After that I can work together with my wife to rebuild our marriage with the understanding that we were both wrong we both need to forgive and move on. Notice I didn't say "forgive and forget". That would be highly unlikely, and frankly a little foolish for either of us. She's always going to to be watching me closely around other women, and I will always be alert for her telling lies and trying to stay out of hitting range when she gets angry.

As for whether I "WANT" to be with her, the answer is I still don't know. That's part of why we're giving it time before we even look into marriage counseling. She's not completely sure she wants me back either, not when she can have the benefit of living off my pension without actually having to put up with me to do it. We both THINK, and have told each other, that we want our marriage back better and stronger than ever for having come through another very difficult trial. We have a lot of history and time spent together, 18 years of marriage, 20 years total. As she tells me, she's been my best friend for 20 years and she's not going to abandon me. Something kept us together for those 20 years, something that at least has the possibility of growing back into love. The feelings aren't all gone. I may get frustrated and angry with her, but I still care about her and don't want anything bad to happen to her. We have two kids together who would benefit from having both of their parents in the home in a healthy relationship. Finally, according to all the religious and moral teachings we were raised with, and in accordance with the vows we made, staying together is "the right thing to do".

So faced with the choices, I choose to work on myself and then on the marriage. I may not be certain yet that's what I really want, but it beats sitting on my hands and waiting for lightning to strike. In time we'll either decide that a renewed marriage is what we want and move back in together as a family, or we'll decide it's no longer meant to be and turn the separation into a divorce. The worst that happens is I'm left alone with whatever improvements I've made for myself, and maybe someone else will come along to appreciate the improved version of me.

OK, VENT OVER. THANKS FOR LISTENING.