Hate to keep bringing this up but I think the magnitude of her forgetting is not so easily swiped away. It was not just a little forgetting. In my mind it is HUGE. Wouldn't you agree with me? Here is the chronology of our antidepressant conversation. I keep a notebook in which I write 'topics' for discussion for the next session and then I write a 'post-op' of which things we did indeed cover and how it went for me. So I'm looking at my notes - not depending on my memory.

3/24 - T called me on a Saturday. I had not requested a callback and nothing, I believe, in the latest voicemail I left her warranted a callback. She very seldom calls me and only when I request it. So this call was unusual for 2 reasons: Saturday, her day off and initiated by her, not me.

It was during this call she recommended I see a pdoc to discuss antidepressants. The next couple of days we texted back and forth about the name of pdoc and her number and my concerns about taking meds.

3/28 session T and I spent entire session discussing my moods and whether to see a pdoc for antidepressants. I told her I would make an appointment

4/4 session T helped me fill out questionnaire from pdoc. She also told me what she would put in a letter to pdoc to give her added info about me. Stuff I may not have felt free to discuss or wouldn't have realized was important.

4/11 session kinda took the day off with tough issues and just had a poetry reading with her.

4/13 extra session told T that I wanted to cancel pdoc appointment. We discussed my reasons for thinking that meds were not an answer for me right now. Although she had a different point of view, she did respect mine. Again, a long conversation about anti-depressants.

And between all these sessions multiple texts to her - about depression and meds.

4/18 session I'm on a 'high' and life couldn't feel any better. Of course, meds did not come up in session.

4/25 session (2 days ago) and this is where my extreme delayed reaction occurred. Of course my mood had dipped a bit from the week before and when I was explaining my thinking/feelings to her, it was then she asked me, "Have we discussed antidepressants yet?"

So aren't I justified in losing a bit of trust in her? I love her, I really do. She is so comforting and supportive and all the things that I think a good T should be. BUT, if she doesn't remember something we spent a lot of time on this past month, how will she remember who I am?

I mean, I've spent 16 months exposing my innards to her so that she knows me well enough to be able to know what I need. But that takes a bit of memory, right? I know some of you think that each session should start completely fresh. I don't agree. If T doesn't know I have abandonment issues or let's say doesn't remember, how can she apply the best treatment for me?

This whole episode has me rattled. I'm ok now emotionally because I've distanced myself from it. But facing her next will be really really tough.

And it's no fun either because she and I were working on another tough issue and I really need her help with it but with trust being eroded I don't know how much I'll really be able to receive her help.

Gawd, I feel like crying.

And I have left her a message this morning asking her if she agreed with me that I should cancel next week's appointment. I just realized that I have set her up. If she agrees with me, I will feel abandoned even more by her.