My T just called. I picked up the call even though normally I let her leave a message. I usually feel too guilty about taking up her time having a conversation. But this time I knew I needed the conversation with her, even as scared as I was.

She told me that she understood my hesitation about seeing her. She also does not want there to be an extra upheaval for me before she leaves. She says that psychology is not an exact science and she wants what's best for me.

But she also said that in her gut she felt it was important for us to touch bases. She said she kinda had a fantasy that maybe the session could be another Mary Oliver reading - that we didn't have to process this issue yet. That we could just try to have a light session where tough emotions would not be aroused.

She said I could think about it and let her know. She said that although her week was full, she would save my slots for me and give me plenty of time to think about it. I knew it would be best for me to make a decision now so I told her that I definitely would come in on Wednesday.

But, I said, I don't know about Friday. She said it's o.k. to wait until next week, Wednesday or even Thursday to make a decision. She would save that space for me. She said that neither of us know now whether me coming in next Friday just before she leaves will be beneficial to me or not.

She also apologized again and also made a statement that I thought was interesting. Although she was sorry that I was feeling such pain, she said it was also good this happened. It uncovered a real deep vulnerable place inside of me that needs more exploring.

The last time we had a telephone conversation on 3/24, I brought extra cash to pay her for her time. On this conversation she told me not to pay her extra and like she has said before, these calls are included in her service. I always feel guilty about taking up her extra time and that's why I've done it. But it was a nice touch that she brought it up just now.

Having this telephone conversation with T has made it a slight less scary to see her next week. I think my T is great. I hope we can get past this rupture. My trust in her is shaky right now and I hope it can be restored to its fullest at some point.