Am I doomed forever to cycle in and out of depression/anxiety? When I started this fight last year I had in my head the idea that whether it took weeks or months or a year, after all the suffering I would be better, stronger, and love life as much as I know I want to love it. Here I am 5 months into the fight and I still feel like I am a slave to it. I got out of the major depression and had about 2 months of feeling fine, followed by a month of feeling ****, followed by a mixed month, and now here I am switching meds wondering if this is actually how it will be forever. I DONT WANT TO LIVE A LIFE WHERE MY GOOD TIMES ARE BREAKS BETWEEN BAD TIMES. I dont want to be a god damn slave to my brain chemicals. I want to look out my window every day and see the beauty of the world. The world is amazing, my body is a piece of trash that wont let me enjoy it.

Switching from 150mg of Zoloft to 10mg of Lexapro currently. 4th day of Lexapro and the 4 days have included feeling better, feeling mixed, feeling bad but with a nice knowledge that it will get better, to right now. Right now I for some unknown reason want to cry with my dad. My dad lives down the street. No bad relationship, no past drama, nothing. 100% normal father son relationship. Hes supportive of me, loves me, the whole thing. BUT FOR SOME REASON MY BRAIN PUTS AN IMAGE OF HIM IN MY HEAD AND I AM ON THE VERGE OF CRYING. Im sick of this. I really am. Every day is some new "symptom" or feeling that I spend the rest of the day trying to figure out. I am tired of being obsessed with my anxiety and depression. I am tired of wondering if meds are causing this or that or if my illness is or if this is normal or whatever. I really just want to know that one day this whole thing will be a memory that I will maybe not laugh at, but be separated from enough that it seems distant. I wish I knew that this was all temporary. I wish I knew my whole life wasn't going to be a cycle of misery and normalcy completely randomized by my stupid brain chemicals or whatever. Please let this all be temporary, and let life be as beautiful as I know it can be. Please let my suffering run its course soon. Please let me see one day that although parts of life are a struggle, most of it is joy and love. If it isn't true, who would want to live it?