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I am sorry at the moment I still couldn’t bring myself to get out of my bed today sad, horrible truth. The reason I didn’t was I am still wrapped up in myself and my anxiety. That even if I volunteer, I would only be a pain and no help and it’s not fair as you put yourself forward. I know the anxiety will always for time being be strong and the only way to get over this is to face my fears. I guess it is so stupid, I am capable but I guess I don’t really want this at the same time or something is holding me back. Otherwise my T said if I really wanted this then I would be making progress and just not wasting time by trying task that won’t help and for some reason make me feel worse. Really only because I couldn’t face this part coming up and trying to leave it off but also the hope that might have helped lessen the anxiety but it didn’t personally.
I know my T said the anxiety will get worse but you have to stay in that moment doing whatever you were doing until the anxiety comes down and you have proven yourself wrong. And that the want to run and hide is not the only option and you are capable, well at least that’s what I am like. I know if I did this I probably would prove myself wrong. But there’s that silly thought what if the volunteering go’s wrong or I prove my fears to be right. Then this just give evidence towards not being worthy of working and existing. I don’t know if I will try enquiring over weekend about volunteering or if I leave it off too Monday or later in week. But I think best to wait till thinking bit more clearly and able to contribute something. I only stay away so I am not in other people’s way or causing them trouble. Who wants to put up with a person like me how is, so caught up in themselves they muck everything up and should know better or not let so much get to them. This is just so stupid that I feel in such a way about nothing really and this causes me and other people problems.
I guess sooner or later I will take steps needed and I can’t just keep putting things off. Sorry I really am not the best portray of a human at the moment but hopefully I can sort this out. So not to let this behaviour carry on. Thank You so much to everyone who has posted for sharing your advice, views and experiences. I honestly really appreciate your replies. Hopefully I can reply at a later date saying I have taken some steps needed and how things are going sometime next week. Think I just need to step away from computer and get enquiring and talking to places as a start. Although going to bed would be good start for tomorrow with a good night’s sleep, it is 22:48 now here. Thank You to all once again, will report back next week.
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