Quote:
Originally Posted by SUPERupset
"There is a question, and I do not know what that question is. It feels like I have forgotten something very very important to me, that ties my essence together. I cannot continue with my life until I have this thing, until I answer this question. It burns in my mind non stop, always there. Food turns to ash in my mouth because I have not answered this question, emotions are dull or non existent because I have not answered this question. Activites in life mean absolutely nothing to me, I gain neither joy nor sorrow from anything I do, except when I contemplate the question. Relationships seem to mean nothing to me, I care little for family or friends and only try to socialize to help answer the question. I have absolutely no clue as to how to go about answering this question, nor how it even came to exist inside me. But there is something missing, and my only goal in life is to figure out whats going on with me.
I have no other thought in my mind that dosnt follow up with this emptiness, this hollow feeling, this, ****ing, question. WHAT ARE YOU? I’ve tried meditation, philosophy, psychology, religion, science, shouting, calming down, ect… Always when I stop and ask if I have answered the question, it remains there as resolute as breathing. I find myself obsessed with the question, and realize that I have forgotten what it is like to have more normal thoughts of love, finding a partner, bettering myself, learning and growing. I’ve seen that the things that matter to most people mean nothing to me, always it is the question driving 100 percent of me, and I still have no idea what the question is, what this empty void in my chest is."
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SUPERupset, this is amazing writing. You described your feeling so well: what it feel like, how it stays tantalizingly out of reach, your long, single minded searching to uncover its meaning. I could feel it as I read. You have a real talent for writing! Your question does sound like either loss or else a tantalizing insight awakening in you but not quite graspable yet.
You posted this a while ago. Are you still feeling driven to find its meaning? To me it seems to cry out for the Gestalt Therapy two chair technique. This is very good at elucidating feelings like this which are purely non-verbal, which cannot be described with words, and which stubbornly refuse to give their meaning almost no matter what you do. It's often used to tease out the meaning of the elusive feelings and meanings which occur in dreams, in body sensations, and in feelings just like yours. (Gestalt Therapy is a major system of psychotherapy which originated in the 1940/50s.)
If you'd like me to point you to some videos which demonstrate the technique please let me know. (They are videos of Fritz Perls, the founder of Gestalt Therapy, doing his stuff in a group therapy setting. Some of the things that happen in them are truely awesome!)