Your post is a little bit confusing, but I can reply to one thing you said about missing yourself. When I was on Seroquel XR, I lost me, my spunk, creativity, the person I used to be, I missed being me.

My pdoc took me off of it and I feel like myself again. I am an artist and that med. squashed it. I am also on Concerta for for ADD, and this med. gives me the shakes so I still cannot draw or paint, but I have used my creativity in other ways.

I feel back to myself again.

Whatever you are going through, I want to wish you all the luck in the world.