Hey guys,
I just recently joined the forum. I've had problems with depression and anxiety for the better part of my 23 year old life, but I recently had a major breakthrough and I just wanted to share it in case it would help anyone else, and also because it was so weird I just need to talk about it. After I graduated from school I moved back in with my parents because I was having a lot of severe anxiety/obsessions/mild depression. The mild depression quickly spiraled into a severe depression. I had never actually been that severely depressed before and I didn't understand why it was happening or what caused it. Basically everything got harder and harder to do, waking up, sleeping, conversing , socializing. Everything got so difficult, that I was just utterly boggled. It was like this huge weight, this huge, heavy, horrible, negative weight was resting on my chest, weighing me down, like an anvil just completely suffocating me. I thought it was just tiredness, boredom, etc, but I came to realize I was actually in pain. Finally, one day, at night I was sitting in my bed, and I really felt like I wasn't going to survive. I felt that the pain in my chest was going to kill me. I thought it was going to snuff out my breath. I really truly believed I wasn't going to keep living, I was just too tired, too worn out, too burdened. I opened my computer and wrote a living will so that when I died (which I thought would be soon) my friends and family would know what to do. Just as a note, I don't believe in suicide, I thought that I was going to die of health complications from the depression. Anyways, as I wrote my will, I started to cry, like real tears. Not self-pity tears or fake tears, I really started to cry like a baby, these huge honest sobs. The crying came from my chest, and it was like all this heavy horrible something that had burdened me finally exited. All my anger, resentment, hurt, guilt, everything just came out. I just wanted to share this because I think writing can really help people express feelings they don't know how to share otherwise. Again, I DO NOT believe in suicide. Life is precious and there is always hope, for any problem and any mental condition. I wrote a living will as a way of coming to terms will my fallibility as a human being, and in order to be honest with myself about how I really felt. I hope this helps someone out there who is suffering to be honest with themselves about what they are feeling. It can be really hard to feel your feelings, especially if they are painful. Figure out a way to express them though, and you will recover.