(((((((dps))))) we are so sorry you are struggling so badly. we rarely,if ever post in here but when we saw your post we just had to reply. can you identify where all this fear is coming from? can anyone inside safely be out besides you to give you a break and see whats going on maybe? we dont know all your anniversaries-is there maybe one coming up or close by? you know we basically share the same background and so without saying more know we understand. if writing small makes you feel safer then thats OK,just know we can see you! you are so much stronger than you know-please dont forget that! we know that sounds cliche and sometimes when people tell that to us we want to scream "shut up,you have no idea!" at them but somewhere we know its truth or else none of us would still be here. take that crimson color and make it the color YOU want! we promise you arent losing your mind though at times it might seem like it. we wish there was more we could do to help but we offer what we have to you. if we can do anymore please dont hesitate to ask. PM us anytime,we are here♥♥♥♥♥♥♥