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lynn09 · Apr 30, 2012, 06:33 PM

No, bagged5pt7, it doesn't sound dumb, and it isn't dumb - NO ONE is born knowing all this stuff. Life has no Owner's Manual - it's a learn-as-you-go, on-the-job-training kind of thing - the only constant in life is change - and just about everything in life is a process. It's not about what you and/or others think you do/do not deserve, but obtaining the knowledge and wisdom you NEED to become the person you want to be. In my opinion, this is our society's greatest failing - that the vast majority of people are not taught throughout childhood how to respect and love themselves and others, how to develop healthy self-esteem which is the foundation for creating healthy and appropriate boundaries (what you do/do not allow yourself to do; what you do/do not allow others to do to you). Parents and other of society's "elders" should be teaching the children such things, but they cannot teach what they don't know themselves; so, the damage escalates exponentially from generation to generation. But, I digress...

At some point, we have to take on the responsibility of "parenting" ourselves - become both our teacher and pupil - some sooner, some later, depending on the individual and their particular situation. Where to start?

Perspective: How you see/define yourself, others, life, etc. Imagine a transparant sphere; in the center of the sphere is you, others, situations, whatever. You are at a certain point on the surface of the sphere observing whatever is in the center (yourself, others, situations, etc.). If you are always observing from the same position on the sphere, you're pretty much always going to see the same thing. What you want is to learn how to shift your perspective - how to move to different vantage points on the sphere so you can get a more complete picture of what you are observing and dealing with.
You identify your present perspective by examining your inner dialog - your self-talk - your "I am," "You are," "It is" statements.

You can make a little exercise out of this - make 2 columns on a piece of paper (or on your computer); label one column "Positive" and the other one "Negative," then write down the things you say to yourself about yourself in the appropriate column. This will give you a pretty good read on the status of your self-esteem, as well as how you are defining your identity. Don't be afraid to be honest - forget about judging and blame-placing; they serve no constructive purpose, will only lower your self-esteem and slow you down, and are actually irrelevant. You know that saying demeaning, debasing, hypercritical, hurtful things to others is verbal abuse. Well, saying those things to yourself is abuse, too. It is just as wrong to abuse yourself as it is to abuse others and for others to abuse you. It doesn't matter who you are right now other than defining your starting point. What matters is who you want to become and learning what things to keep and what to discard in order to get where you want to go.

Do the same exercise with what you say to yourself about others ("You are"), and the same thing with what you say about life, a particular situation, etc. ("It is") - you get the drift.

On another piece of paper or screen, write the definition of the identity you want to create - write down the character traits of the kind of person you want to become; e.g., courageous, kind, honest, reliable, compassionate, generous, loving, supportive, fair, forgiving, etc. Your identity is defined by the philosophies you choose to embrace and manifest through your thoughts, attitudes, words, and actions.

Supposedly, someone once asked Michelangelo how he managed to carve his magnificent "David" masterpiece out of a shapless lump of marble. Supposedly, Michelangelo responded, "I just removed everything that wasn't David."

Right now, you are a shapless lump of marble out of which you are going to carve your identity - your life - your masterpiece.

Just like preparing to take a trip, you have to pinpoint on the map where you are and where you want to end up in order to see the best route to take. Of course, there are always going to be unexpected detours, side trips, mechanical breakdowns, occasional hazardous weather, etc., so you have to stay flexible and make allowances for such things; in other words, you must be compassionate and forgiving towards yourself.

I hope this gives you some idea of how to start this process. Please let me know if I need to clarify or further expound on anything - I'm really trying not to write a book here. lynn09