ARGH, and I hate my family!

My BIL died this morning (husband of another sister, not the one I'm living with). They think he had a heart attack, but the autopsy isn't done yet. It was very unexpected, in any event.

I have medical issues that would make a normal person stay home -- it's going to be a 7-hour drive from here to where the funeral is. But I have endless guilt surrounding my family. I'm the youngest by tons (they're 8, 10, 12 and 13 years older than me, all married with kids, which I am not), and they treated me like a pesky gnat for so many years that by the time they actually wanted me around, I didn't want to be around.

So I avoid family stuff if I can, and I take crap for it. If I don't go to my BIL's funeral, it is going to be for a good reason, which is that I have no desire to die of a stroke.

My sister, who fancies herself an amateur psychologist, just spent TWO HOURS telling me on the one hand that I need to just let it go, and on the other, that I shouldn't give a damn what everybody else thinks.

Well, I care what they think, and while I want to support my sis and her kids in their loss, I've already flatlined once in the last 6 months and I don't want to do that again. All I can hear, though, is "that f'ing Candy, here she goes blowing off family stuff again."

So I'm going to go, and to h*ell with me, because you know, who cares? She did more to make me feel guilty while she was telling me not to feel guilty!

I'm so confused, and I feel so invalidated, and I am so hyper that I am going to need about 12 Xanax to even BEGIN to wind down. I kept trying to defend myself and tell her that I've really come a lot farther down the road of liking myself than she thinks, but she kept telling me I have to move forward, blah blah blah.

Ohhh, man. Can you *tell* I'm hyper?! I'm pretty sure I'm not making any sense, but I also haven't been this anxious in a long, long time. I could sit here and type for hours, but maybe I need to direct that into emails to various people or something, instead of tormenting everyone here with my nonsense.

I still haven't recovered from the trauma of my dad's death years ago (it'll be 7 yrs in August), and now I have to go back to the same stupid place for another stupid funeral, and I just can't do this well, psychologically, anyway, regardless of my physical health. UGH! I feel like such a freak. I guess that means my T accomplished something, because back in the day I would have said I hate myself. I like myself a lot more than I used to, but I still feel like a freak!

I'm shutting up now.....thanks for listening to the rant. I don't know what I expected it to accomplish, but typing felt good, anyway!

Candy