I had such a good session today, after a really rough start to it. My T made me feel so understood about the violations in my past, how he loves me in a fatherly way. After years of hard work with this T today I finally felt that he does care, that I can finally have a caring father. Then when I was leaving I ran into his next client in the entrance...young and beautiful and all bouncy. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. It is such a cruel reminder that this relationship is BS. That he doesn't actually give a damn about me REALLY. I am just another client, an appointment in his calendar 3x week. He is an actor in the pathetic movie that is my life.
I went to the gym and slammed weights for an hour in hopes to clear my head. It has not worked and I'm on the verge of tears. I want to call him and tell him how upset I am and all the stuff I'm writing here, but I am not allowed to call him between sessions. I feel like I have just been kicked in the stomach and my heart has been ripped out. I am trying really hard not to SI but am feeling really vulnerable to it. Tomorrow I see my other T and will likely spew all this stuff in there, but not sure if that is a good thing to do. I am so confused right now. I don't want to go back, it's not worth all this pain.