I'm sorry I just don't understand. I was never happy ever. When I was a kid I felt numb and sad and guilty all the time. As I grew up I felt the same but I started getting mad mad mad too. It never felt out of place and out of control.

I hate myself so much. I made everyone hate me, I did. I made everyone hate me and now I can't even make a friend I can't keep a friend I push everyone away. I can't.

I can't talk about what happened but I want to. But I don't want to ever. But I want to.

I never felt so out of control. Why is it out of control now? I genuinely feel like I've reached the end. I'm just so tired, I've reached the end of what has been my life and it's time for a rest. There's something in me I want to kill but I don't understand what it is or how to do it without killing all of me.

I don't want to die but I do. I don't want to miss a good life, but I know I'll never get there. I'm too far behind.

It's my fault for not stopping what happening and letting it go on for so long so long, but is my fault now too for thinking about it. It's killing me now and why didn't it then? Why didn't it hurt then why didn't it hurt like this then? I'm so sorry for posting this I'm sorryi t's not right but I just need someone to tell me it's ok right now without having to worry about being put in hospital.