Here and utterly exhausted.

Slept 7 hours last night but it wasn't restful sleep. I made the mistake of relaxing last night and walking through my house feeling cheerful. It's like he waits until I'm feeling good then he attacks. Can't have me feeling happy, can we?

I put dinner in the oven and was walking past him sitting on the couch watching tv, when I asked him, "Good show?" - more to acknowledge his existence than because I cared if the show was good or not. He didn't answer, but that's common. An hour later he's apparently still thinking about this. He insists that I sit on the couch and talk to him about why I shouldn't have asked that. Apparently questions about tv shows are too penetratingly deep. He can't give just a yes or no answer. He would have to talk for 15 minutes about it. It has too many subtlies and depths to it. Why would I burden him like that?

Then he has the nerve to ask why I'm not responding to anything he's saying. Because I'm terrified that I'm going to inadvertently say something else wrong, that's why!

I told him I want him to move out. I'm tired of working my rear end off for him and getting almost nothing in return. I can't even ask him to help around the house. That offends him too. So I spend 9 hours a day at a job I hate, commute 2 hours, do what little work gets done around the house - and now I'm back to having to tiptoe around an unpredictable person sitting on my counch. Yay! I just love my life!

When I told him to move out, he tells me he'll be all alone if he moves out. He says he has no friends and no life. He says he knows that people don't like being around him because he's a drag and he doesn't know what to do about it and if he's on his own he'll probably start drinking and lose his job.

Why is it, if he knows I'm all he has, why is it that he's abusing me emotionally? Why would you kick the one person in the world who's killing herself to care for you? Why? I don't get it.

And when do I get a life? Who's going to take care of me while I'm taking care of him?

I'm through! He said last night that I could say anything at all to him if it's how I honestly feel, and he won't be angry. I didn't say it to him, but here's how I honestly feel, I feel like I'm 50 years old and all I can see for me until the day I drop and die is that I'll be a slave to a minor tyrant who can't shift himself to do anything to help himself but who can complain and complain and complain about how awful it is and how unfair it all is. I can't fix it for him. He's going to have to do the hard work himself. When I'm 70 and he's 47, will we still be doing this? Is this how it's to be forever?