(((Silent)))),

Having and maintaining friends is always a challenge. I actually had to learn some disappointing things myself. Like you, I am very sympathetic and I am also in tune with the struggles of others, as I have experienced a lot of unfortunate things myself. I really learned a lot from struggling with my PTSD, which basically put me in a position where I was so consumed by the disorder that I just didn't have very much to give.

I had a long time friend that at first seemed sympathetic but got very discouraged because she couldn't fix me up so I could continue devoting more time listening to her woes and going out with her so SHE could escape and nurture herself thru me. And one night she really laid into me and it was all about her not getting enough attention from me. After she behaved so badly she called me up the next day, didn't appologize and just simply stated that SHE decided that we could still be friends inspite of how she needed to attack me the night before. And wow, that was quite a rude awakening to me. And she went right back into wanting to make plans that SHE wanted me to tag along with. And when I finally got a therapist and joined PC, she got very angry and accused me of allowing myself to luxuriate in my mental illness. And any time I talked about how I was struggling, she got very angry and made it clear she didn't want to hear it. That is when I truely realized the terms of our friendship and yes, I was hurt and felt such a loss.

Struggling with what I have Silent has forced me to examine myself in a very in depth way, I simply had no choice in the matter. And I joined PC and learned even more about people in general too. One of the biggest things I DID learn outside PC is that while I was a very giving person and extremely thoughtful, it simply became expected of me in more ways than I realized. In fact when I really examine my past, whenever I was truely legitimately ill and could simply not service the needs of others, THE OTHERS WERE OFTEN ANGRY AND MEAN TO ME.

One of the big things I did learn in my life is THE MORE ONE GIVES, THE MORE IT BECOMES EXPECTED. I can say that whenever someone gave to me, I was always so grateful that I gave them even more back. But that really stems from my early childhood and in that situation, I learned that to get along, I had to go along with the needs and demands of others. And as I am working through this PTSD, I am recognizing that I have to make some changes about how I interact with other people in my life. I have some tough habits to break and though I will always be sensitive and caring, I have to pay attention to also setting boundaries for myself and make sure that I monitor how much I do give of myself to others.

Silent, the young man you are talking about has some deep emotional issues. I know that you have been a very good friend to him above and beyond others. However, this young man is VERY SELF ABSORBED with his issues and in that alone will lead him to retreat into his own needs dispite your efforts. And this doesn't have anything to do with your worthiness in having friends that are actually capable of understanding a balance of needs, knowing to think of your needs as well. But when someone is really troubled and consumed by their troubles, they tend to forget the needs of others.

In my own journey, as I mentioned, I actually had to direct my attention to working on my own issues, so I honestly could not continue on my path of maintaining the giver in me. It was really hard, and very lonely, for me to see the results of this situation. And I am realizing that, while I am still a giving concerned person, I have to make sure that I LEARN to monitor how much I give and pay attention to my own needs as well. And I also have to realize the limits of others and make sure I don't allow thier limits to affect how I judge my own value of myself. And I have to learn to take time to address my own needs without feeling guilty about it either.

But, if you are a true giver/nurturer, it is important to realize this balance in yourself, because the best way to help others is not only by just listening to them and being there for them but also by setting and example for them. Setting an example for others means allowing them to see that you have given to yourself and can maintain your own mental health by engaging in your life of learning and continuing to challenge your abilities to engage life, even if you are apprehensive about doing so. The bottom line is that ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE APPREHENSIVE and UNSURE and WE ALL LEARN BY SLOWLY PERMITTING OURSELVES TO ENGAGE AND LEARN FROM EACH TIME WE FAIL IN SOME WAY.

It is no secret that in our lives we are lucky to have only a few people we can truely call friends. Most of the time people come and go as they go on their life paths, perhaps taking whatever we give to them and then move on. It doesn't mean we are not worthy enough for friends, it only means that MOST people are somewhat nomadic when it comes to making friends and moving forward with whatever they learn from each friend.

It is a virtue to be a good nurturer of others, but it is important that if one chooses to do that without also nurturing themselves at the same time, the end result will often be disappointment in others. Either you end up with those that require your constant nurturing or those that simply take from you and move on.

If all one has is apples to give as they are, just apples, then those that come to eat that fruit will eventually come to know that person as only providing apples. However if someone not only has apples but also takes those apples for themselves and learns to make apple pies, candied apples, apple strudles, dried apples etc., etc. then they are much more inviting and often make more longer lasting, even healthier friends. The direction of the nurturing becomes more than just giving out a plain apple, but learning all the applications and ways apples can become VERY USEFUL AND REWARDING. But if someone only shares the basic apple, they will often be lonely with their simple basket of just plain apples.

The past two days, you have been alone with your simple apple basket. But you have all the intelligence to have much more than that Silent.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes