Hi, I can relate to a lot of what you're saying.. well except for the whole having a friend part. I feel like why try to speak when no one can understand me.. you know? I recently thought of something: Once I realized how little meaning my words had, I could see that there really was not much to say at all. I have been struggling in my life greater than ever before, and it seems that each day only makes it worse and worse forever and ever. A real life reason that matches what I've been thinking about being quiet is that, at my work everybody is near deaf, and they all listen to their ipods/mp3 players with earbuds in all the time cause it is such a boring job. To even get anyone to begin to hear (you can forget about getting them to understand you) you have to physically touch them or wave at them in their line of view (which is very hard because everyone is at a desk facing opposite ways). I hate my life.. sigh...

Anyways.. as for advice to give you...it is best (health wise) for you to be around others and interact with them. Earthly creatures have innate needs to communicate with others in order to not become depressed. I have felt what you feel when you say you think you're trying to push everyone away, I haven't figured that one out yet. Some sort of mental behavioral defense mechanism to prevent further mental breakdown perhaps... but I feel when this occurs it is not me who is doing it, although, I never feel like me... this body is a freaking deathtrap. We are totally controlled by our bodies, we're not even real, none of this is real. Sorry, and yes I have been called a hippie before, go ahead. !@#$, I realize this probably hasn't helped you much, but take from it what you can.