My Support Forums - View Single Post - Im sick of people telling me to get over it , its was four years ago .

lynn09 · May 01, 2012, 06:12 PM

Oh, yes! And the ones who want you to "get over it" the most are the ones who inflicted the pain and injury in the first place because they don't want to take responsibility for their misbehaviors, and they don't want to believe and don't want others to believe them capable of such. This is typical of all tyrants and bullies - all abusers.

My abusive older brother (a perfect clone of our abusive father) said to me one day, "You just need to toughen up and learn how to take it!" To which I replied, "Why? Just so you don't have to be responsible for your behavior?" He came at me like a charging bull with fists clenched, stopping just short of pummeling me. (Mind you, we weren't children - we were in our 50's when this took place.) Another time during that same period, he bellowed, "You mean you're going to hold me responsible for what I say and do when I'm angry?" To which I replied, "You are never more responsible for what you say and do than when you're angry; and if afterward you can't remember what you say and do during your rages, you need to be responsible enough to seek immediate evaluation and treatment for the sake of others and yourself." Again, charging bull. Some of his other favorite lines: "You're nothing; you're nobody; you don't have any rights;" "You don't DESERVE to be treated with the same respect and consideration that normal, decent people do;" and, "You have to earn MY respect; and you have never done a single thing in your entire life to earn MY respect." Blahblahblah...

Of course, abuse targets/victims are always blamed for their abusers' bad behaviors, vilifying and demonizing their targets/victims to justify abusing them and to manipulate others into abusing their victims for them, thereby victimizing everyone - "If you were a better person, I and others could/would treat you better." Right. The problem is that most abuse victims never get closure because their abusers never admit to and are never held accountable for their crimes - and abuse, no matter the means of infliction, is a crime.

Abusers are devoid of conscience, incapable of empathy and remorse, and define EVERYONE, especially their primary victims, as "less than" themselves in order to validate their superior worthiness to exist; to justify forcibly imposing their wills on others by any means necessary and at any cost to anyone other than themselves, and USING everyone to serve their self-interests. They have no boundaries; therefore, they do not recognize or respect other people's boundaries or rights. Abusers are wolves in sheep's clothing - self-deluded nightmare monsters hiding in plain sight by concealing their damaged, frail egos within the false bravado of their public-personae, masquerading about as respectful and respectable pillars of the community, and preferring to abuse their victims in secret in order to maintain plausible deniability - no witnesses. Their basic mindset: "I am not an abuser, so I would never abuse anyone; therefore, no matter how I mistreat others, they must deserve it." My brother: "That's just how I react when I feel threatened" - like that makes it all okay.

Despite what I know about abusers after 61 years of experience being my family's (and other abusers along the way) target, scapegoat, and sacrificial victim, and observing and studying their mindsets and techniques first-hand, it still hurts. I carry the pain and damage to this day, and I still get triggered. I KNOW that abuse is never about the target/victim, that it's ALL about serving the abuser's self-interests, and that abusers will/can never stop abusing others until they are forced to do so because they honestly cannot see their actions as abusive, much less see themselves as abusers. And I KNOW that it's all about Power and Control - and identity - abusers define and forcibly impose on their victims false identities to justify abusing them, and falsely portray their victims' identities to others to manipulate them into abusing their victims for them, and to enhance how the abusers are perceived and assigned value by others in comparison to their wretched victims. I also KNOW that, despite our abusers' assertions to the contrary, that each and every one of us has the right and responsibility to define our own identities and determine our own destinies.

Nevertheless, despite all that I know, I'm still working on finding the key to alleviating the pain, healing the trauma, and stopping the triggering once and for all - how to counteract the FEAR that makes me tremble to the core, paralyzes me, shuts me down, turns me into a quivering mass of non-function. If I ever figure it out, I'll let you all know.

In the meantime, much love and many, many empathetic and supportive hugs to you, acrosstheborderline, and everyone here. lynn09