First of all you are not an idiot. Just messed up like most of us. I've tried 3 times to quit my meds and it was terrible. I've gotten severe anxiety and panic when I do. I ended up in the hospital. I'm pretty content for the most part with the meds I'm on now. I feel like I have a certain amount of control. It sounds like you just haven't found the right combination of meds. That can take years. I'd be scared to death to get off my meds again. So go slow and be careful. I would only get weened off by my psychiatrist. Good luck.