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leejoseph have you disussed these feelings with a/your therapist?. i see where you have depression, etc in your profile. i found therapy really helped me deal with so many things i'd hidden from myself including not feeling safe outside. i self medicated with alcohol to keep feelings checked cause i couldn't do life well. so i used AA and therapy together in early sobriety, had major bloodwork too.
i've been offline the last 2 days so my suggestions may be redundant here. also if you're on meds maybe they aren't a good fit for you.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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