TRIGGER


I get these images, like a slide show in my brain of doing violence to myself. The most recent has been driving my car into a tree or pole or stopping on the train tracks and waiting for the crunch and smoosh... the have ranged from cutting up my arms to stabbing myself and just doing a lot of damage. I don't want to die, but I want to get close. There is something in me that wants to feel what it is like for the life to drain out of me. Then there is the healthy, logical side that tells me to get help, and that my children need me to be healthy, etc. I also get paranoia, especially when I am driving. I feel exposed and that there are certain cars out there that are following me. Usually they are black Fords with silver grills, the cars that look like unmarked police cars or cars that the CIA would drive. I don't know why they would have me in their sights, but the feeling of being followed still comes.

So I am in a partial program right now and the doctor there said that my thoughts have an obsessional quality to them, but since they are so invasive, that they are more on the side of psychosis rather than OCD. My latest diagnosis is Bipolar with psychotic features.

Anyway, I just wondered what others have experienced in terms of invasive thoughts.

I am on an antipsychotic (Geodon) and have tried so many of them that are out there. I get relief for a little while and then it all comes back to the point that I think I will hurt myself, and I end up in the hospital.

Thoughts? I usually post in the bipolar forum, but the bipolar isn't bothering me right now. It feels lonely when I have these thoughts.