(((Mortimer)))

I am sorry that you're struggling so much with the guilt and self-hate. I swear that these are universal emotions so often attached to abuse beginning in early childhood, before we came up with any sense of self. The result was: we are evil, we caused this darkness, we deserve to pay for the crimes.

It's so sad ~ and it takes a long time to get out of that way of thinking. We were innocent. We did nothing wrong. We were in the wrong place/s at the wrong time/s. It was not our fault! We can repeat these words over and over, til we're blue in the face, but we have to have an impartial professional 3rd party tell us these things too. In my experience, that's what I needed to start giving myself little breaks. I'm still not out of the habit of instantly blaming myself. It takes a while to get there.

But, you can get there too. You just need help from a professional, a T who doesn't argue when you admit to severe feelings of self-hate and low self-worth. The T needs to accept how you feel now and be willing to work from here to there. I wish you the best ~ Gentle hugs.