okay... honestly it isnt like me to seek help from others or even share my problems, I dont like burdening others... but, because ive been extremely depressed lately ive decided maybe other opinions might help me to better understand myself and find healthier ways of coping. so here it is, my seemingly constant struggle with my emotions. to start, for aa long as I remember, ive alwayshiddwn my real feelings from everyone. my parents are really loving people, always reaffirming their love for me, yet since my youth, ive never shown them my real emotions. by this I mean things like anger or sadness. when I was happy, it was easy, because happy is safe. but everything else was a smile and "yeah, im ok" my dad often said I was hard to read and I played my emotions close to my heart. in school I had difficulties being normal, and was socially awkward. I pretty much lived in my own world, and only one or two pwople tried to accwpt me for it. high school was much thw same, but I found that most of my friends always seemed to seek me for their emotional distress, which I didnt mind. I always felt that it was my duty or something, because I understood their pain, even if I hadnt personally experienced it. but it took its toll on me, I started feeling like no one was there for me, just the opposite. I had strong feelings of longing, like I was missing something, but I didnt know what. it wasnt love, or friendship, or anything else I could name. later in life, as I got older, I began noticing that I had a tendency to "open people" I easily made friends, ans to this day I have never hated anyone or made any enemies. I naturally get along with others and always feel like a mediator of sorts. the problem is, there are times when I just get so depressed. and I dont know qhy. I try to figure it out, and make excuses for why I feel that way. sometimes I need to be alone, doeant matter how I feel, I just need "me" time, sometimes for months.... but, ive always been able to rwvitaloze myaelf from depreasion. latley though, ive been doing alot of "self medicating" to help cope. sometimes it feels like the only time im happy is when im high... but the depression gets worse and worse, and im beginning to feel like I cant get up from thia, I keep apiralling sown... in an attempt to help myself I found this site, among others... my father told me often that I was very empathetic. hes also called me a "bleeding heart" in anger as well... I just need to know what I am or what ia wrong with me, and I cant do it on my own.