So um, I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this, sorry. I've been unable to sleep this morning because of some extremely specific worries, so I figured I'd "crowdsource" my problem.

I was raped by an ex-partner. I had wanted to be a virgin my entire life - and I told him this - but he did such disgusting things to me in spite of this. This was not something I had ever expected to happen in my life, and essentially I refuse to live with it. I must have my innocence back.

I've been in therapy since the rape, but it's done **** all. I keep telling the therapist that no amount of processing, coping, moving forward, etc. is going to happen, because my brain just doesn't work like that. He frustrates me, mostly by telling me to think in ways that just don't make any sense. Regular PTSD therapy also hasn't worked for me in the past. The rape crisis centre in my region refused to work with me because I "have a mental illness" (which I don't think I have) that I don't get any "treatment" for; one of their conditions was that I drug myself for this supposed illness.

I'm kind of at my wit's end. I can see myself committing suicide if I can't regain that innocence; I don't feel sad or desperate about that, just resigned. It seems unfortunate that I might have to kill myself because of his filth, but eh. That's life, I suppose. I just wanted to see if anyone had any ideas.