yeah.. but it's his willingness to hurt. that gets me.

he has knowledge of what he can 'do' to people.
en fact he's proud as punch, that he can mess with people so proficiently.

he tells me, endlessly and with utmost admiration for himself;
how he 'battles' - 'bad' people online.
how he creates multiple accounts on forums so he can overpower 'wrong-doers' online
and put them in their 'rightful' place.

he is a writer. he is his profession. thus he considers everything to be part of his art.
what that has translated to.. is being aware of his narcissistic tendencies.
and watering and feeding them.
instead of going: 'oh ****.. what am i?'
he relishes in his own depravity.. and enjoys his 'art'.
all the while playing the 'main role/hero' is his f*ng manuscript.

He Does have knowledge of his actions.
he may have knowledge; trickled through mountains of self defence from its source.
but i KNOW. often, he does see EXactly what he is doing.
for whatever ultimate holistic purpose it is... he makes a concious decision to rectify the situation by using someone-else.

He does, also do it by default. but alot of the time there is a concious cognitive process involved.
i can see the clogs manually turning.



i appear to be NPD myself, which sucks.
but i'm painfully aware of when i am doing bad.
i have Immense difficulty averting my natural responses/defences.
but if i can do so when need arrises... ((there's a third person; party to the 'one-on-one' i was having) - who might pick up on my 'magic' as they are not under the 'veil'))
surely i can choose not to behave that way, all the time?.

but, i suppose i'm getting around to the point:
what are you supposed to do upon realizing your condition.
I've read therapy doesn't really help.. but i seem to be making 'some headway.

------------

i'm getting over the realization that i don't, and never have known who he is.
He at least used to have some respite from Fullon 100% NPD mode.
where he would have some consistency between his;selves.
but these days... his eyes are always 'rolledback' (like when sharks go in)
He never surfaces out from goal-driven, vengence-fueld; Ego rocketing, manipulative Bastad mode.

and of course..., i'm having my own id crisis through my lack of continuity.
i don't particularly know who i am anymore.
i scared the Crp out of myself the other day... when i realized the different ways i've adapted to being, for the circumstance.
different subsets of personalities/egos all designed to demonstrate certain attributes; i felt i needed to posses.
i always thought i was: shy, good-willed, humble, funny, talented, nice e.t.c
and gone about upholding my desired image.
but it's all fallen down around my feet.
now i know. and i can't let myself fake it anymore.
i now know when i'm faking it more than ever.
now i feel like: 'oh here i go being all nice again....-_-'
and while i'll be being nice.. my actual conscious thoughts are:

'you know you don't really care,, what are you trying to get out of this.?'
'you've gotta keep up appearance.. so as to keep things sweet'
'don't want them thinking bad of you'
'can't let them know i don't care, need to express some interest.
'ah, make them feel interested in and cared about and then i'll be able to
ask them if they can do xxxxx for me, and they'll probably say yes'

: all the while mostly taking an active part in the real conversation.

i am scared of going out with my friends.. as i am currently unable to mask my tendencies {tendencies putting it lightly}
i keep slipping up and being nasty very close to the surface, to the point it has raised a few eyebrows. (i think i'm very discreet normally)
and i don't want to hurt these people.
and i... guess more importantly to me...: i've spent a long time with these people.. that is a good era of my life.. i don't want to loose them all.
i don't want to taint a time that was good.
everyone is getting wise to me.. including me.

i'm thinking of cutting off ties with them.. as i'd rather leave things as they were than get 'caught'.
and some of my friends have very serious life issues going on.
and i keep catching myself dropping in insidous 'KEYWORDS' to elict an emotional response from my 'companion'. : purley for my ammusement.

God i even suck at narcism.. i really do hate myself for how i conduct myself.


thankyou for reading
Circles.