i realized a while ago, after going in and out of hospitals and treatment centers, that everytime i come back home i turn into the same hot mess that i was before i left. im unhappy here and i also doubt that i can be sober here. i think about what it would be like if i stopped smoking or having the occasional drink. i would probably want to hang myself. (sorry if that triggers anybody). im depressed, anxious, lonely, and pissed off when im here. im not blaming my family for any of my problems, but i honestly think that this environment is toxic to me and my mental health. my family thinks they know me so well, but they only know what i allow them to see. i cant explain how freeing it feels to come to this website and express myself. i just personally want to thank everyone for the support. it means SO much to me. thank god that there is another soul that i can communicate with. i keep everything in all the time, i could never tell them the things that i post online. im not comfortable expressing my deep, profound feelings to them. i feel like a caged bird...........or maybe its the agoraphobia. the agoraphobia is getting a better, but i still feel like im trapped inside the house, and im trapped inside of the hollow shell that is me, and i dont think ill ever really be free until i leave here.