After my last session with my T, he wanted me to try urge surfing and be more aware of my emotions. I just realized at the dinner table how much I avoid emotion, creating a permanent poker face for the hellish rage I'd like to unleash. I push it down so far so that I can't feel it, when secretly I'd like to scream in my parents faces how hypocritical they are. I don't know where to begin. They are always criticizing, always yelling, always telling me what to do and what not to do. Every time, I want to throw something and scream in their faces, but instead I do nothing. I don't make any facial expressions. Sometimes, I don't even feel any emotions. But I know it's there in the back of my mind.

I want to express how I feel, but every time I try I start crying so badly I'm incomprehensible. Now every time I start feeling angry I smoke and it dulls me. I don't know what to do.