I realize that I've talked to "healing" all over the boards. I also realize that I've been vague in where I'm at in my healing. There's a reason for that. I had to get comfortable with myself, as well as be a bit self-protective of what I've gained. I appreciate all of your understanding with that.
I do think, though, that now it's time to share a bit of my experience as we always have here. It helps so much.
Please keep in mind that I will use my own words and phrases to explain my own experience. They're my words because I did not find the terminology available to represent myself as I didn't feel it an appropriate fit for my experience.
Back to the subject
Will I always be DID? Yes, I think so and so does t. My mind was literally formed as I grew to dissociate in order to survive. I don't think I can now change that "preset". It's become part of the physiology of my brain. I was shown that I can still completely check (dissociate) when daughter was hospitalized and put in the ICU, and I feared for her life. I don't remember the drive to the hospital and during that time was able to completely quit crying so as not to upset daughter. Also, at another point when her father was there (an abusive relationship) I almost passed out, but didn't because I "checked". I still don't have the memories of those two events and my body continued to function, so some part of me that I'm not even aware of somewhere holds that...a new part? Well, I just don't know. I know NOTHING of it. T pointed out to me, that even though I checked for the first time in a LONG time, it took something HUGE for that to happen and I quickly came back to the "firm foundation" I've acquired. I'm glad to know that as true.
Prior to that I'd wondered once again..."who am I?". I really did. It was a hard and confusing time for me...scary a bit as well. I'll back up to explain now...
In the last two years, t and I had been doing ALOT of trauma work...repetitive, painful, exhausting work. Through the repetition, I was able to gain new awareness and place them with the "limited parts" of the mind. I had no clue that during all that time that a re-arranging, understanding, blending was happening.
More memories came and the same occurred...time and time and time again. I thought it would never end. I appeared to have no progress. Whew, was I wrong! All of the sudden awarenesses left and right were being realized. It felt as if my mind was literally expanding. It physically hurt at times. I could almost "see" the connections being made from part to part of this mind whereas before there were little to no connections and thoughts and awarenesses remained limited to that part.
There's just so much. T and I couldn't reach the emotional parts of this mind, so we had to get "crafty". We'd learned that the brain literally changes physiologically with trauma...especially childhood trauma, and especially prolonged, repetitive childhood trauma. We learned there was a way to reach that emotion where we could't find a connection...through triggering. I literally had to use known "triggers" to trigger myself? Yes, and I did. That was the beginning to massive, almost spontaneous awareness then healing. It was all happening so quickly!
As a result, today I rarely trigger, rarely check, and have an understanding that's workable. Even though, I know I'll always be a "special kinda me". Nothing that happened was a "choice" of mine because I literally couldn't comprehend what it was that I needed. What happened in my healing appeared to be as natural and beyond my control as checking at the hospital.
I feel comfortable and have some peace...something I'd never experienced. I will never be the same, but will never change. I see the blessing in what a desperate, tortured child created for survival, and know it as a gift...a gift I want to nurture and respect.
Yes, I'll always be DID. However, I'm grateful because a mind can't, and shouldn't have to, hold everything this body went through all at one time, in one place. I do, however, have access to everything that's here, I believe, and am able to draw on these parts whenever necessary or appropriate.
This is where I am today. So, in wondering "who/what am I today?", I live with DID that's experienced massive healing...t likens it to addiction recovery in that I will always be working to maintain the level of "sobriety" awareness I've found...knowing that I'll "slip" from time to time (in extreme circumstances) and pick myself back up to start anew as dissociation was used as an escape and it's so instinctual to happen here...instinctual and without thought or choice. I'm ok with that! I've learned to trust that what happened here was to protect and save.
**Please note that I do not refer to integration or loss. Nothing was "lost" or "went away" here."**
What do you think?
KD