I took 5 different tests for for depression, the last one was the MADRS and I finely got a score that said moderate depression instead of severely depressed! Like who am I trying to kid, I kept adjusting the answers with each test I'm so afraid to face any one for fear they will hospitalize me. I keep telling myself that they don't do that any more unless a person tries SI so I don't need to worry.
I know "it" will change-but when? I can't take medicine for depression but also I can't stay like this much longer -I'm even considering shock therapy but I haven't mentioned that to the P-doc yet. I don't know which is scarier--just keep my mind occupied--yeah--Occupy Brain! There's a bumper sticker, and an idea for congress. Occupy Double Dome!
My sleep s so messed up I sleep about every 40 or so hours and I dread it when I do between nightmares and when I wake up I feel worse, so much worse, crying and SI. I feel better the longer I'm awake-but the body has to sleep! I live in fear of sleep! 
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Nammu
…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
Desiderata Max Ehrmann
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