Thanks for the replies

@bohogypsy Let me answer your questions

For the thoughts you mentioned, I don't know where they stem from, just built up self-doubt, thinking that whatever I'm trying to figure out about myself must be false, because why would that be true for me (such as thinking "maybe there's something wrong with me and I need help" my mind just says that's not true). I think my mind, I, just don't want to deal with the possibility of something being wrong, so I come up with excuses and then go back to ignoring any problems just to have them build up again. I'm sure these thoughts do occur pretty often, they're another thing that keeps me from answering questions in class, even if I'm positive I know the answer, I just won't speak out for fear that it's wrong or I'll be embarrased (I don't talk loud either, so I hate being asked "what did you say?").

For your question of therapy, I guess I feel like it was a waste of time because, yeah they were talking to me, trying to figure myself out, but I guess I felt like I was steering things wrong, saying wrong things and that whatever I tell the T they'll interpret differently and anything I wanted help with won't be solved. I also feel like I'm a hopeless case, that no matter what I can't be helped, and I guess that answers another question you asked. So I feel like I'm taking up their valuable time and taking a space someone who can be helped could take up. I feel like others have problems that can be easier discussed, managed, and cared for, that I'm not worth being cared for or helped, that any problems I have may just be a figment of my imagination (whether they are or not) so there's nothing that can be done. I know I can be imaginative, I like to come up with stories, alternate lives with different people, and I wish I was more like them, they have support, they have help, they are interesting, and they're better socially even if they go through stuff that might hinder their social skills. I guess they're idealistic, but they use characters modeled in my own mind and not after other people. So I guess that imagination makes me think I'm making things up even if I'm not.

And your last two questions. I have experienced criticism in my life, and I try to shrug it off, but I know it still hurts, but I don't think there's anything I can do. When I was younger, elementary school age I was bullied and made fun of for being sensitive, or weird, or too quiet, all of that. I was called names, but I didn't really know how to tell adults what was going on, so I just let it happen, some bullying did persist through to middle school, but not too much. I guess you can also count schooling stuff as criticism as well. I was never too good at school (mainly math and science courses), so I was always brought down for that, the grades, the comments the teacher would put on the work, the frustration my mom would have. So I've had criticism, I just hide how I feel about it inside, I don't feel like I can open up to others, and others never really ask what might be wrong when I do seem hurt, they just go on about their own business. I'll support them, but I have a hard time seeking support for myself, so I don't really have too much.

Again, sorry for the length of this post, trying to answer the questions