As most of you may know I suffered a lot of loss due to my negligent neighbor who knew their electric underground containment system for their dog was not working. They failed to repair it, instead letting the dogs out while I was sleeping at night, and one of the dogs ran hot laps around my horses and ponies and the more they were upset the more the dog kept at it, and that crippled all my horses and ponies in ways I could have never imagined. These people were well aware that I didn't want their dogs on my property, when they moved in they just felt like their dogs should be able to run where ever. I had many confrontations with them and called the dog warden that finally (because we have laws for it) got them to finally contain and be responsible for their dogs.

Well, I have been engaged in a lawsuit, and this year will mark 5 years since I went through so much loss and death. It was like a hospital on my farm, I was in hypervigilance for over 4 months until I broke down. When I lost my favorite pony inspite of all my efforts to save her and all the day long work that went til after midnight, and the loss of sleep. I just broke and actually went into shock. I went to a psychward that was defintely not the right place for me to go. In spite of my requests for rest and grief counceling, I got neither.

After finally getting out of the psyward that made me even worse, my family was very angry with me and I had to get back into hypervigilance and continue to address all the damage along with putting together all the information with an attorney. I basically fueled off anger and after that was pretty much done, I went into a lull of depression. I didn't understand that the PTSD I was diagnosed with was getting worse. My debt was so substantial and my business and investment animals were ruined. It costs a lot of money to have vets examine and tend to these damaged animals, thousands add up quickly, $30,000 come up faster than one can imagine.

I didn't have money for therapy, I had all I could do but pay on this debt, try to continue having vets sort out the damage that was in so many different ways, so much damage, choking, colicing, torn ligaments, torn suspensories, fractured pelvis, sore hind ends, damaged hip joint, so many things happened to these frantic animals. And I am still dealing with it now five years later, lost another one this past december who coliced and was never the same, the things that can scar and interfere in the digestive trac causing further problems and eventual heart break by euthanizia.

So I went into depression and my brain was just sort of shutting down and very tired and I had no idea what was coming after that. I finally was deposed and they only got it half done. I ended up going into a flashback towards the end and could not speak when they asked me who was damaged the worst. I just saw everything and I just could not speak. That was in Oct of 2010. And I had to find a way to come to terms with that last question, knowing that would be where they would continue. But I truely had no answer really. And all last year they kept trying to schedule another deposition, three of which my attorney forgot to tell me and had to cancel and more that they canceled. All year I was on the edge having to prepare and remember, remember, remember all this bad and the details. And they never did have the deposition. And I had to try to work too and I dont even know how I managed that to be honest. I was experiencing all kinds of flashbacks last year, not just the event but all events in my life that resembled these same feelings I was experiencing.

And all the while my family was so hard on me too and even mean. All those "snap out of it" comments, well we all know we cant do that. No, not with PTSD rearing it's worst uglyhead. And my attorney wasn't paying attention, yeah, he was forgetting and I am sure pissing off the oposing attorney. I went in and told him how he needed to get this done, I needed him to give me time so I could prepare for a depositon. I tried to tell him that I wasn't doing well with the PTSD. No, he didn't care, he still forgot yet another deposition. Oh yeah, get a new attorney was the advice. I called around and talked to several other attornies, and did not find one that didn't know my attorney. They all recommended hanging in there. And to be honest, I got so bad that I just had to let go for a while.
I didn't have the energy to once again sit with my attorney and tell him to get his act together. I used my time to concentrate on therapy.

My whole work season last year was interupted by this process. I waited all winter hoping that they would get the deposition over with, but no, they are starting that process again NOW. Yes, now when I have to do my best to try to do SOME business to keep up with the debt and make enough to feed and care for my animals. And yes, they do know my business is seasonal, how convenient for them, they have it all on file.

So, my husband is getting deposed on the 8th and I have to go through the files and sit with him and make sure he remembers, remembers too. My brain doesn't want to do this anymore. It literally shuts down and again these DAM FLASHBACKS, AND GOD DAMIT I HAVE TO TRY TO WORK.
Oh, it is all about THIER GAME AND CONVENIENCE.

You know, if you read about depositions and what to do, they tell you how the opposing attorney comes on really nice BUT BE CAREFUL BECAUSE THEY WANT TO TRIP YOU UP!!!! Now, let me see where do I know that behavior ABUSERS, ABUSERS, ABUSERS do that too. And everyone knows the opposing side makes you wait, and they draw it all out FOR YEARS, now what does that remind you of, ABUSERS, ABUSERS, ABUSERS.

Oh, and you can't stand up and speak your mind NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO YELL OUT BLOODY MURDER either. Oh that would not be a good witness, that is NOT PLAYING THE GAME RIGHT, now what does that remind you of, ABUSERS, ABUSERS, ABUSERS.

No one has to tell me about this inhuman game, it is abusive for someone who is suffering with PTSD yes, very hard to remember, remember, wait, pay, pay, remember only answer certain tricky questions, remember remember.

Now, I relive all the past abuse, it is all there constantly because of this strange situation where this kind of ABUSE IS PERMITTED TO TAKE PLACE.
I could not speak up then, just like now, even though I was so hurt and PAYING, PAYING HURTING FROM SOMEONE ELSES PROBLEM.

Now, I have been trying really hard in therapy and to try to do my business, what is left of what I can do because what I had was so damaged so I can only do part of my business. And I just wanted to gain some ground and now, right when I am very busy and trying so hard, ANOTHER DEPOSITION. And they didn't even finish me, no, they are doing my husband LEAVING ME TO WAIT IT OUT WHEN ANY DAY THAT PHONE COULD RING CALLING TO REMEMBER, REMEMBER, REMEMBER something my brain really wants to FORGET, FORGET, AND LEAVE BEHIND ME.

My brain shuts down now, it took me all week to get the information from my files for my husband to review. I have to work tomarrow, Sunday and Monday and keep my head together AND REMEMBER WITH MY HUSBAND SO HE CAN REMEMBER.

You know what that does to my brain? I have been flashing back and exhausted and crying constantly and I NEED TO GET READY FOR A WEEKEND BECAUSE I NEED TO WORK SO I CAN CONTINUE PAYING ON THESE DAM BILLS THAT SHOULD HAVE NEVER BEEN MINE AND I DO NOT KNOW WHAT MY BRAIN IS GOING TO DO IN RESPONSE TO THIS.

I am angry because I am trying very hard to overcome this. Why can't I get more control, why does my brain just shut down or send me in to this cripple zone like this? This is cruel and I wish there was a way that I should show what happens in my brain from this. I am well aware that when these strange upsetting memories/flashbacks happen I have to let them run thier course. But for anyone who experiences this, it is exhausting and I feel like someone beat me up afterwards, my whole body aches. And I really try not to feed into it.

Yeah, it is just the system, BUT THE SYSTEM IS CRUEL AND LEAVES ROOM FOR ABUSERS, ABUSERS TO DO THEIR GAMES LEGALLY. Yes, it is a well known fact that this is way the game is played, the opposing side plays it out, stretching it out for YEARS in hopes TO WEAR ME OUT, "IT IS WORKING". I pray for the day when we can actually see the damage this causes to the human brain. I can feel it, and I am really trying so dam hard.

Open Eyes