Quote:
Originally Posted by Honeybun
I had such a good session today, after a really rough start to it. My T made me feel so understood about the violations in my past, how he loves me in a fatherly way. After years of hard work with this T today I finally felt that he does care, that I can finally have a caring father. Then when I was leaving I ran into his next client in the entrance...young and beautiful and all bouncy. I immediately felt sick to my stomach. It is such a cruel reminder that this relationship is BS. That he doesn't actually give a damn about me REALLY. I am just another client, an appointment in his calendar 3x week. He is an actor in the pathetic movie that is my life.
I went to the gym and slammed weights for an hour in hopes to clear my head. It has not worked and I'm on the verge of tears. I want to call him and tell him how upset I am and all the stuff I'm writing here, but I am not allowed to call him between sessions. I feel like I have just been kicked in the stomach and my heart has been ripped out. I am trying really hard not to SI but am feeling really vulnerable to it. Tomorrow I see my other T and will likely spew all this stuff in there, but not sure if that is a good thing to do. I am so confused right now. I don't want to go back, it's not worth all this pain.
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I just have to respond to this because a lightbulb has gone on. I have had difficulty with trusting my T, letting him in, etc. So far there have been 2 times that I allowed myself to feel trust and let him in. Both times happened out of session, but I could feel myself relax and stop fighting him. Both times, the next session after I did this - POW! BAM! The first time when I was driving home I felt like someone had punched me right in the solar plexus - hard. I was devastated. The second time, after the session I just spiraled down into an infinite sadness that was almost overwhelming. I cannot describe how intense these emotions were.
So, you may ask, what did T do both times that set me off? The first time he yawned because he was jet-lagged; the second time I felt that he didn't look at the pictures I brought in with enough interest, plus I FELT that he was distant. Horrible, terrible T, how dare he????
Coincidence that both of these ruptures happened right after I decided to trust? Ha! Not a chance.I managed, just barely, to bring my feelings up at the following sessions and we talked about them and guess what? My perception was totally wrong.
So the pattern I'm seeing (at least in me) is that when we truly open up/stop fighting/trust, whatever, we are unconsciously so frightened by this, or so vulnerable to any little thing, that we basically freak out and retreat.
My guess is that had you not seen the next patient on your way out, the next session would have been somehow disastrous. My T didn't even DO anything - I imagined it all! Basically, he was doomed -I would have found some imagined slight that would let me slip back into my comfort zone of not trusting him.
I really hope that you can talk to your T about this. I truly believe you had a reaction like I did that is probably normal under the circumstances. Four years and you finally relax, and you think it'll just go smoothly? That there won't be emotional repurcussions? Please don't give up. Recognize the emotion and know that it will pass. If you can talk to T about it, the relief will be enormous.