So, your rational mind is questioning those inner-criticisms e.g. is this really true? That’s good! Well, overall there is nothing wrong with you as a person. You’re a wonderful person. However, those inner-criticisms that keep replaying over and over again are hurtful. They make you question your worth and put you down. That’s probably the part you need help with – deconstructing those limiting and invalidating beliefs that make you feel insecure, and the need to create positive ones to build up your sense of self. This does take time so you need to be patient with yourself!

Based on what you’ve said, my understanding is that you won’t speak up in class because you fear the possibility of being wrong? Consequently you feel you’re being judged and from those feelings of being judged by others your emotionally reaction is to become embarrassed or ashamed of yourself. Does that sound about right? Feelings of anxiety are always anticipatory. You anticipate something will happen and you become anxious. It’s just a matter of being able to learn how to manage those responses.

I don’t think you’re a hopeless case, why do you feel the need to be so hard on yourself? Do you feel the T will judge you and think you’re a waste of time? I know it’s hard to accept that you are worth the time and effort at this point and others might be more deserving, but again I say to you that you are worth it. You do deserve to get to where you want to go and should have that support made available to you. Who says otherwise? All deep-rooted issues are going to take time to resolve so you do need to be gentle of yourself and go at your own pace. Your T should also go at your pace and I am sure they will have the patience/time to devote to you. It’s their job. They are providing a service and it really is your choice to go to them for assistance or not. If they say otherwise... just find another T who will be more compassionate. What sort of indications do they give you which make you think they don’t want to help? Perhaps it’s just your fears coming to surface that blocks you from receiving support. Just need to push through that and keep reaffirming that it’s okay to receive support. Be okay with your judgments (accept them) and continue to do it anyway.

I’m sure you have a wonderful imagination and it’s lovely to hear that you utilise it. Would you say that what you play out in your imagination is all the things you desire, but don’t think you deserve? And how you wish you could be, but aren’t in reality. They are your goals.

Yes I can imagine that those experiences would hurt and would cause feelings of regret. There is nothing you can do for you back then (can you forgive yourself? And others?), but there is certainly something you can do for yourself now. It appears that you weren’t able to stand up for yourself because of your innate personality and were never taught how. No tools or coping mechanisms. As children we depend on others (adults) and absorb everything projected at us. Validating and invalidating messages - one can outweigh the other, and those are the tapes (beliefs) that keep replaying. No-one stepped in to support you so you were tormented. When you say you did not know how to tell adults what was going on is that because you did not wish to get the other kids into trouble? It was okay for them to hurt you, but you could not bring yourself to hurt/punish them?

Yes that is very much like people, if you’re not an assertive person and don’t push things across they are less likely to step in and help you. Reservation or introversion can often make people feel that you are unapproachable, so they will hesitate and may not approach even if they perceive something is wrong. It’s as if you build a wall around yourself. Do you feel that you burden people if you open up to them? Yes, seeking support can be hard if we’re not used to having it. It does not feel natural. So, perhaps now is the time for you to slowly open yourself up to receive support? Yes it will be hard at first, but it will get easier if you keep on persisting - that’s only if you want to go down that path of course. Your action of joining and posting on this forum for support (we hear you!) demonstrates that you are tentatively opening up to receive support, so you can view that as one positive step in the direction you wish to go!

The length of your post is fine. No need to apologise! Take care!